Miles Gloriosus - The Braggart Soldier
PYRGOPOLYNICES - "Tower-N-City-Sacker"
Take care that the gleam from my shield is brighter
Than the rays of the sun shining on a cloudless day --
So that, when the need arises, upon my gather'd foes
The light may confound their sharp eyes as they stand in their ranks!
But oh! I so want to comfort this here blade of mine, 5
Lest she be sad and mourn with downtrodden heart,
That for so long I have worn her on my side as if she's on holiday,
For she, so sadly sheathed, longs to stick it to the enemy!
But where is Artotrogus? Is this he?
ARTOTROGVS - "Bread-Eater"
Here stands Artotrogus beside this hero --
A hero who's brave! Who's blessed! Who has a kingly body to match! 10
Ah -- what a warrior, whom Mars himself would scarcely dare to declare
That his godly prowess in martial combat is equal to your own!
PYRG.
Ah yes, you mean the one whom I spared in the Curculionian plains,
When Bumbomachides, son of Clutomistaridysarchus
Was the chief commander -- wasn't he Neptune's grandson?
ART.
I remember it! It was you, of course, who said he fought in armor gold'n,
And his teeming ranks you blew away with a blast from your...lungs,
Just as winds rustle bush and thatch -- that is, leaves and roofs.
PYRG.
Why, all that? It was, of course, nothing.
ART.
Nothing? Why hell, indeed,
It was just like all your other deeds -- (aside) because you never did them --
If anyone has ever laid eye on a bigger bullshitter,
Or someone else more full of boasting than this guy,
They can have me as a slave -- I'll willingly sell myself!
But I'll give him one thing: his olive salad is insanely good!
PYRG.
Where did you go?
ART.
Lo, it's me! Hell, what about that elephant in India,
The arm of which you broke with a swing of your fist?
PYRG.
What do you mean its "arm"?
ART.
No, I meant the leg -- the thigh, actually.
PYRG.
Ah -- how indelicately I struck him!
ART.
Oh hell, but what if you
You had used all your might: why through the hide, the entrails,
And right through the elephant's bones would your fist have gone!
PYRG.
I don't want to dwell on such things here and now.
ART.
Why hell, indeed, it isn't worth the effort
To tell me of your manly exploits, since I already know them!
(aside) My belly is the cause of these ordeals I suffer now -- my ears
Have to be on constant alert or my teeth won't do their...teeth thing (chomps teeth),
And I have to agree with him whenever he spews his bullshit!
PYRG.
Wait, what was I saying just now?
ART.
Oh, I know what you wanted to say!
What you say did happen -- I remember it!
PYRG.
Remember what?
ART. Whatever happened!
PYRG.
Do you have the --
ART. The tablets? Why, do want to enlist? I have them, and a stylus too.
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