Miles Gloriosus - The Braggart Soldier
PYRGOPOLYNICES - "Tower-N-City-Sacker"
Take care that the gleam from my shield is brighter
Than the rays of the sun shining on a cloudless day --
So that, when the need arises, upon my gather'd foes
The light may confound their sharp eyes as they stand in their ranks!
But oh! I so want to comfort this here blade of mine, 5
Lest she be sad and mourn with downtrodden heart,
That for so long I have worn her on my side as if she's on holiday,
For she, so sadly sheathed, longs to stick it to the enemy!
But where is Artotrogus? Is this he?
ARTOTROGVS - "Bread-Eater"
Here stands Artotrogus beside this hero --
A hero who's brave! Who's blessed! Who has a kingly body to match! 10
Ah -- what a warrior, whom Mars himself would scarcely dare to declare
That his godly prowess in martial combat is equal to your own!
PYRG.
Ah yes, you mean the one whom I spared in the Curculionian plains,
When Bumbomachides, son of Clutomistaridysarchus
Was the chief commander -- wasn't he Neptune's grandson?
ART.
I remember it! It was you, of course, who said he fought in armor gold'n,
And his teeming ranks you blew away with a blast from your...lungs,
Just as winds rustle bush and thatch -- that is, leaves and roofs.
PYRG.
Why, all that? It was, of course, nothing.
ART.
Nothing? Why hell, indeed,
It was just like all your other deeds -- (aside) because you never did them --
If anyone has ever laid eye on a bigger bullshitter,
Or someone else more full of boasting than this guy,
They can have me as a slave -- I'll willingly sell myself!
But I'll give him one thing: his olive salad is insanely good!
PYRG.
Where did you go?
ART.
Lo, it's me! Hell, what about that elephant in India,
The arm of which you broke with a swing of your fist?
PYRG.
What do you mean its "arm"?
ART.
No, I meant the leg -- the thigh, actually.
PYRG.
Ah -- how indelicately I struck him!
ART.
Oh hell, but what if you
Had used all your might? why through the hide, the entrails,
And right through the beast's bones would your fist have gone!
PYRG.
I don't want to dwell on such things here and now.
ART.
Why hell, indeed, it isn't worth the effort
To tell me of your manly exploits, since I already know them!
(aside) My belly is the cause of these ordeals I suffer now -- my ears
Have to be on constant alert or my teeth won't do their...teeth thing (chomps teeth),
And I have to agree with him whenever he spews his bullshit!
PYRG.
Wait, what was I saying just now?
ART.
Oh, I know what you wanted to say!
What you say did happen -- I remember it!
PYRG.
Remember what?
ART. Whatever happened!
PYRG.
Do you have the --
ART. The tablets, you mean to say? Yes I do, and a stylus too!
PYRG.
How shrewdly you comport your thoughts to my thoughts!
ART.
It's only proper for me to devote all my brainpower to learning your habits,
And by applying such care, I should come to learn what you want before you do.
PYRG.
Do you remember the rest?
PYRG.
Indeed I do! There were a hundred and fifty
In Cilicia, then a hundred in Imaginariland,
Then thirty Sardes, sixty Macedonians
-- These are all the poor souls you've laid low in one day.
PYRG.
And what does the total come to?
ART.
(without hesitation) Seven thousand.
PYRG.
Yes, that must be the tally. You've reckoned the right amount.
ART.
I've reckoned nothing, but I remember it nonetheless.
PYRG.
Damn, your memory is excellent!
ART.
(aside) It's actually my tummy rumbling.
PYRG.
Provided that you do as you have, you shall ceaselessly feast!
Ever shall you have a seat next to me at my table!
ART.
(with newfound zeal) What about in Cappadocia, when you would have slaughtered five...(considering briefly before settling upon:) hundred!
All at the same time! With one swing! But, alas, your blade was dull!
PYRG.
Nay -- because they were such wretched tramps, I let them live.
ART.
What shall I tell you? That which all mortals know?
That Pyrgopolynices -- you alone! -- walk upon this earth
With valor, body, and deeds spotless, blameless, undefeated?
All the women in the world are in love with you, and it must ache so,
For you are so beautiful...uh, sir! There were even those girls yesterday
Who grabbed me by the cloak!
PYRG.
Indeed? What did those lovely ladies say to you?
ART.
They kept asking about you! "Is that Achilles?" quoth one!
"Nay, his brother!" I replied. Then another girl said to me,
"Holy shit, I can't believe how hot he is! (pause for effect)
And so dignified! See his long hair! Oh how it suits him!
Surely the women who share his bed are oh, so lucky!"
PYRG.
Did they really say such things?
ART.
Do you doubt they both begged me
To lead you past them today as you walk by?
PYRG.
It really is awful to be such a beautiful man.
ART.
Tell me about it --
These women are obnoxious! They beg! They beseech! They obsecrate
To be allowed to see you! They bid me be summoned before them,
So that I can't give due diligence to your business.
PYRG.
It seems a good time as any -- let us away to the square,
So that I can pay the wages of those mercs
Whom I just enrolled in the lists yesterday.
For the King of Seleucus has earnestly pleaded and begged
That I gather up some hired blades and enlist 'em.
I have decided to devote all my efforts to the king today.
ART.
Come, let's go then!
PYRG.
Onward, guards! Shields on me!
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